Babies

The other day, Kaitlyn asked me if I had another baby in my tummy.  When I said no, she asked if we could go to the hospital and get one.  When I said you can't just go and get babies from hospitals, she asked if we could go to the store and buy one, then.  I haven't seen any for sale at Target lately.  My own baby is 3 years old.  And she loves babies so much.  No matter where we are or what other fun things are going on around her, she will find every baby in the vicinity.  

"Can I go and pet the baby?" she often asks me. 

I haven't figured out a good way to explain that you don't "pet" babies like you do animals ... even though that's pretty much what we all do every time we get close to a baby.  We stroke its hair and its cheek and ooh and ahh.  Kaitlyn is such a good mommy to her own "babies."  They need lots of attention at our house.  She wraps them up in a blanket so carefully and jiggles them and sways them like a veteran mom. With all this care, I do wish she had a little sibling to give all that attention to.  What a great big sister she'd make.      

 

 

Last night I was looking at 2 friend's posts about their pregnancies. Yesterday I was going through my daughter's baby clothes thinking about getting rid of them.  Oh, so bittersweet.  I loved looking at each article of clothing and the memories that I associated with them.  The tiniest things evoked that primitive mother feeling of wanting to nourish, comfort and snuggle close to the velvety skin of my baby.  Then this morning, Kaitlyn and I got looking at old videos I had taken of her when she was a baby.  I relived her first smiles and gurgling laughs and table thumping meals.  I listened to Ethan's stilted speach and childish enthusiasm.   I watched the first roots of love go down between sister and brother and watched her respond to him with her sunshine smile.  And I missed my babies.  I was glad Kaitlyn was still on my lap so I could hold her close and treasure the smell of her little girl hair and her soft little body snuggling into mine and have her look up and tell me she loves me. 

 

About an hour ago, I saw a friend's ultrasound picture and had a twinge of jealousy.  Which is ridiculous, really, because I enjoy waking each morning without nausea and vomiting.  I enjoy being able to sit without being in pain.  I enjoy sleeping the whole night through.  I enjoy my children mostly being able to take care of their own basic needs.  I enjoy sitting here with time to myself in the evening.  I enjoy it when my children can tell me what they need and what's wrong and not listen to hours of crying that seems to have no answers.  I enjoy going places that require being gone for more than 2 hours at a time.  I enjoy my body being my own again.  I enjoy being done with potty training.  But still, when I see someone pregnant, I remember that amazing feeling of a little miracle growing inside of me and the soft skin of a newborn and the vice grip of little fingers around my own and the urge hold, comfort and protect.  I remember the bond of breastfeeding my baby, knowing that I had him or her all to myself and nothing else I needed to take care of in that moment but just enjoy my baby. 

 

 

So, with that in mind, even though we have said we're officially done and I know that the rest of me and my life has moved on, I still couldn't quite sell all the baby clothes yet.  Afterall, with the smell of baby still on them, what else can you do but pack them back up for just a little longer and preserve the sweet scent of memories. 

I love you both, my growing up babies.